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Brief aan mijn vader; memorial day 5 mei 2020

Posted on May 5, 2020 at 4:05 PM
Memorial day 5 mei 2020 Brief aan mijn vader

Vandaag is het memorial day ;voor jou een belangerije dag want 
jij  was een oorlogskind . Jaarlijks herinner ik me onze ritjes in de legerjeep naar de Ginkelse hei om de oorlog en dood van jou vader te herdenken. Maar ook om de  bevrijding te vieren om nooit te vergeten welke strijd daarvoor was gevoerd en welke offers waren geleverd. ook door jouw familie. 
Mijn lieve oma Bakker, jouw moeder vertelde me dat je toen je geboren was je ogen zo lief waren dat ze bang was dat je gekwets zou worden en niet zou overleven.  Ze had veel angst om jou toen de oorlog losbrak. Haar man, jouw vader werd toen jij  ongeveer  6 jaar was meegenomen en  gefuseerd; dat ben je nooit vergeten . Je sprak vaak over hem en over het verdriet hem nooit echt gekend te hebben. Het gemis van een vader maakte jou kwetsbaar maar ook heel sterk. Tijdens de oorlog maakte je de hongerwinter mee
samen met je 2 zusjes en moeder, er was geen vader
om jullie te beschermen, jij was al heel jong de man des huizes. na de bevrijding  werd je als kind gescheiden van je familie  en op de boot gezet naar Zweden , waar je in een gezin liefdevol bent opgevangen en gevoed: een kind migrant  die niets liever wilde dan weer terug keren naar zijn vaderland, Nederland. Daarom ben je ook nooit geemigreerd ondanks de vele uitnodigingen om naar Amerika te gaan waar jou een voorspoedige carrieer wachte als internationaal bekende beeldend kunstenaaar. Je bleef altijd trouw aan Nederland en bouwde hier jouw faam en toekomst op samen met jouw gezin. Wat allemaal had meegemaakt  maakte dat je je altijd kon verplaatsen en bewegen in alle kringen en werelden, overal geliefd en een gevraagd spreker. 

Als kind leerde je mij alles - over jou pijn en verdriet, over vechten voor vrijheid en je dromen. Maar ook hoe belangrijk de lessenzijn  die wij leren uit geschiedenis, psychologen,  filosofen en kunstenaars ;  niks is wat het lijkt en niks is zeker dus  je moet  altijd vragen blijven stellen en je op niets en niemand blind staren. Er is niks  zo veranderlijk als een mens en de mens is een  leerling met een slecht geheugen waardoor de geschiedenis zich steeds herhaalt.  Vele  citaten gingen  over en weer en als 8 jaris meisje had ik altijd mijn schriftje bij de hand om alles op te schrijven.  Mijn eerste gedicht "de dromer "droeg ik op aan jou, mijn lieve papa. Je lijste het in en koesterde het. 

Vandaag is het bevrijdings dag en ik denk terug aan jou omdat ik me nu nog meer kan verplaatsen in jou. Juist nu de hele wereld ook Nederland  in een soort  van oorlog zit , een bizarre tijd, een crisis waarin ook niets is wat het lijkt en niets meer zeker of vanzelfsprekend is. Vandaag spreek ik met mijn kinderen net als jij toen, over geschiedenis, filosofie, psychologie en kunst. Een  gevoel van machteloosheid meld zich maar dan toch doorgaan met die kleine stapjes van hoop, vertrouwen hebben, liefhebben, strijden en vooral doorzetten. 

Het levens lijkt soms net spel, soms wreed  en soms mooi, een schaakspel met vele spelers.
Je wilt met idialen en hoop zoveel tegelijk veranderen,  maar dat gaat niet. Wat wel kan is stap voor stap vooruit en in ruil daarvoor vaak  er weer een terug, omdat dit nu eenmaal is hoe het gaat. Zolang we maar kunnen blijven luisteren  naar wat we elkaar te zeggen hebben , de mensen liefhebben die er toe doen,  en steeds weer blijven proberen het beste en mooiste van onszelf aan dit leven te geven voor nu en later. 
Bedankt lieve papa voor wat jij me hebt geleerd en het dierbare geschenk van jouw liefde. 

Categories: Brieven aan mijn lieve vader -kunstenaars sterven nooit

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